In the Beginning

For better or for worse, my first attempt at blogging occurs while poised on the precipice of emotional, financial and, occasionally, marital crisis. As if two miscarriages, six IVF cycles and being 42 years old with a balanced translocation is not bad enough. But in my world, the word "crisis" continues (deep sigh) to redefine itself. I guess I should start at the beginning.

Year: 2005

Me: Living in New York City in a beautiful co-op in a beautiful neighborhood with a fairly comfortable financial situation. I was single, almost 39 and in an out-and-out panic over the future. I was moderately social and dated somewhat regularly, but was very worried about meeting someone I loved and having a baby, and I felt my chances slipping away with every breath. It didn't help that I came from a family that places its highest value on people with babies, people with spouses and just plain people, in that order. I found it nearly impossible not to feel like a social misfit being unmarried at this age, and I desperately wanted a partner. I was ready.

Him: Handsome, intelligent, funny, tough -- a sensitive heart in an armored body living in a minuscule but immaculate walk-up in Bensonhurst. He was Eastern European and looked it, and had lived a difficult life, one about as far away from mine as you could imagine. I came from a well-placed and well-off family, leaving me well-educated, well-rounded and well-mannered, albeit a bit emotionally fragile. He was raised Communist, served for years in the Special Forces, ate each meal as if he were racing back to the battlefield and had experienced his share of loss for a lifetime. He loved children and animals and they loved him back. And he cleaned up very nicely. In a way, we were the perfect match. We loved each other deeply and were prepared for the bumps along the road that our different cultures and life experiences would bring.

Little did we know that something as seemingly primitive and instinctive as wanting a baby would soon catapult us into an emotionally complex and exhausting netherworld that would grimly define the first two years of our marriage.